When All Else Fails, Blame a Zebra

Being a mouth breather (both physically and mentally), I tend to claim all penalties called on me in a bout/scrimmage/practice are for breathing, because I can see no other reason for being sent to the box. I also claim our jammers are faulted with “existing” – a penalty called because the jammer takes up space in the universe at large. In other words, I’m constantly apologizing to my friends who referee for our occasional jerkiness.

In our minds:

In reality:

So, while a lot of us huff and puff in the box and then sit on the bench with our fellow teammates, shrugging because we have NO IDEA WHY we were given a penalty, we should probably be doing something far more helpful. Like listening to what we did and then making a note not to do it again. Crazy, I know.

I am not denying that from time to time a melee on the track is misread by a referee. I am, however, positive enough to bet all my red Skittles that most of the action is better seen and judged from outside the pack, rather than in the middle of it.

I know we can all be a little testy when we’re out there, trying our best, practicing endlessly, and a penalty can feel like you’ve just been told you’re the worst player and human ever to live in the history of the entire world. But it’s ACTUALLY you being told you made a mistake. Really, just the mistake, no judgment on who you are as a person.

If you spend your life convinced that the high block you keep getting called on is bogus, you’re just doing a Viking Head Butt and it should be perfectly legal, maybe you should just accept the ruling and keep your brains to yourself. Our refs spend countless hours poring over tiny nuances of rules, then they try to condense them into quick quips of insight for us at practice, and we tend to thank them for this by making faces, sighing dramatically, shaking our heads, and storming to the penalty box.

Clearly this is the thanks that they deserve

So on behalf all players, Refs, you do a thankless job and get all sorts of accusations mumbled under breath at you- certainly not by all players all the time, but often enough- and we really do appreciate you. I know it’s hard to tell that when you’re given horns in our minds or busy giving out extra minutes in the box because of tantrums on the track.  Without you, we’d be lawless and busy spending our time trying to play offense, defense, AND ref from inside the pack- not that some of us don’t do that already.

It’s ok, we’ve ALL done it…

And congrats to the Hellrazors on their 142 – 245 win against Jerzey Derby Brigade!!!

Zig! Now zag! Stop! Go!

Derby has had an ever-changing image through-out its career. Sort of like Cher. As it has gone through its metamorphosis, so has its rules. With rules, and rule changes, come strategies. With strategies, come self-doubt, forgetfulness, feelings of panic, and headaches. Some people can see a strategy and immediately see when it should be applied, how, and why. I would not recommend playing a game of Chess, Risk, or Hungry, Hungry Hippos against these people. Others feel like strategies are like some secret Choose Your Own Adventure book where the answer is always, “Anything but what you just chose to do.”

See- it’s all very simple…

This is why Pivots and their yelling and prancing about are important, but we all need a basic knowledge of what to do and when. Sadly, you can never prepare for the EXACT situation you find yourself. We might know what to do when the other team’s jammer is sent to the box, but what happens when, while going to the box, the remaining 4 members of her team transform into Power Rangers? Well, then what? While that might be a tad excessive, it’s sort of how it feels when you are in a pack.

Derby is unlike any other sport in the world, ever. This is not where I go on a long, flowery speech about self-realization, strength, friendships, and all that Oprah stuff. In other sports you have offense and defense. In derby, you have to play all the fences. And knowing when to switch to which one can sort of be like trying to figure out if you should tell someone they do, or do not, look hideous in their wedding dress. Sadly, we can’t shove a Twix in our mouths to take a second- we have to make our decisions immediately while skating around hopped up on adrenaline and electrolytes.

So, to anyone struggling with strategies, or forgetting all the strategies, or having mental fantasies about pummeling their pivot, it’s ok. Derby is hard. If it weren’t, we’d all be doing something else because clearly we love a challenge.

And, in “I have no way to segue to this news” we did not take the win from Shore Points last Saturday. We came back strong in the second half, but just didn’t have enough time to close the gap. We only fell short by 15 points, and congrats to both teams and all players for a very, very tough bout. Pictures are up on Mr. Wreckage’s page.

Next time, Shore Points, next time…

Oh, This Again?

Hawaii Five-0 decided to have the gratuitous roller derby episode. I’m beginning to feel like a crime drama will get cancelled if they don’t have one. Since I’ve already raged against television’s view on derby, I vowed, when I saw the commercials, not to do it again. But then I watched it.

If only they knew roller derby as well as they knew bad one liners.

It provided another fun-filled hour of watching stereotypes be reinforced. They had teammates that had no clue what their fellow player’s real name was- and all of them had a sunny disposition that was based on looking menacing and having a general dislike and need to be uncooperative to the police. It made me realize that I really need to work on my scowling.

They had the usual broken and pinned body parts in multiples per girl, which led to one of my favorite lines of the night. It was said by a pediatrician, and was something to the general effect of, “Keep it down, these people might not bring their children to my hospital if they knew that at night, I put people IN the hospital.” Because each of us has notch marks on our skates for each girl we’ve put in the hospital. Speaking of skates… how much did Antiks pay to have their logos splashed all over that episode!? It was like one really long, inaccurate commercial for skates most of us would have to sell a kidney to get.

The best part was that they lost their ONLY jammer right before the “Championship Game” and to fill the position, they held tryouts. That’s a move about as smart as your average MTV reality star. Obviously the under cover girl was able to finagle her way on the team, and, of course, no skills testing, no Fresh Meat period, immediately a star jammer. I am going to give them a pass for the remaining large pile of inaccuracies because the surprise twist at the end (SPOILER ALERT) was that the manager/coach did it. Not a teammate. I was pretty shocked it wasn’t the undercover agent’s brand new buddy. That’s a new twist, for sure. They actually portrayed us as eventually warming up to others and having some ability to bond and be kind. So for that, I will not spend the next 15 minutes of your time dissecting their dramatization of roller derby as (quoted directly from the show), “a catfight on wheels.”

However, there was one thing that really got me thinking in this episode. Girls made it expressly clear that there was the roller derby them, and then the “real world” them. The two never coincided and it was a hidden part of them. Like it was some episode of WE tv’s “The Secret Lives of Women” gone horribly awry. One woman rather testily informed the feds that derby isn’t a crime. Well, duh. The show seemed to imply that playing roller derby is something to be ashamed of and hidden. They took the usual tack that we are all normal by day and miscreants by night. Please note, by day, I am a law-abiding, productive member of society. By night, I am, well, a law-abiding productive member of society.

We are not lurking in the shadows, ready to pop up, ninja stealth like, to kidnap unsuspecting women and force them into sports based servitude. Roller derby teams are rather vocal about their existence. If we weren’t, no one would come watch us play. We have websites, Facebook pages, twitter accounts, and, hold on to your hot pants, even blogs. The notion that derby is something to be ashamed of is as baffling as why baby badgers are so cute but grow up to be terrifying.

Try to kiss us so we can eat your face!!!

In happier news, our bouting season officially starts this Saturday, and we won’t even hide our faces and avoid eye contact with anyone that might recognize us! We will be taking on Shore Points at their home rink – check back here for updates, scores, and the usual musings on roller derby.

 

Upcoming Events

Our first bout is a mere 2 weeks away!! It’s an away game against the only team to have beat us (twice) last season. Our first home game is May 26- details will be forth coming. And check back for pictures and recaps of our upcoming activities, at home and away, as well as the usual feature posts.

Check us out on our website, facebook, and twitter. And if you fall desperately in love with us (how could you not?) and want to lend a hand, we are always looking for volunteers. Contact us to see how you can help!

Soooooo… about Sunday…

I was just going to casually not mention our final bout because we stopped doing that thing where we were winning when we played Shore Points this past Sunday. I was just going to sneak a picture of a kitten or maybe a recipe for a very strong drink capable of erasing 4 – 5 days worth of memories, but despite our loss, this bout certainly needs mentioned.

The Hellrazors played one of our best games. Ever. Shore Points cut through us like Voldemort through a pack of Muggles in April.

Us on April 14th. Note how loose our walls are…

Six months later, we gave them a serious fight. We even took the lead at least once in the second half and we were only defeated by a total of 5 points. One lap around the rink- that’s all we lost by. Our original bout against them was a loss by 102 points. The final score this past one was 137 – 142. Pretty impressive and I think every Hellrazor should be incredibly proud.

Exactly 6 months later- and look at that teamwork! Same basic parts as before, but a TOTALLY different monster!

For the last bout of the season, it was a great one. A big THANK YOU to Shore Points for coming to our home turf and giving us a hell of a battle. And thanks to all the fans who come out to support us and we cannot thank our staff enough! Without the refs, NSO’s and various other volunteers that man our doors, merch table and help set up the track, we wouldn’t be able to bout. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.

Photos of the bout are up – and despite barely losing, we played so well, it felt a lot like a win. RAZE HELL!!!

Terror Alert Orange! (And Black)

Do we even still have the Terror Alert Scary Rainbow anymore? Since I don’t spend time lurking in airport restrooms (despite what other teams might say) or watching anything scary, like current events, I wouldn’t know.

But be on full alert because today is THE day. This is our final bout of the 2012 season and also THE bout we’ve been waiting for since April 14^th. (Please be seated before you read the next sentence…) Shore Points was our first game of the season and they beat us by 102 points. Hard to believe, I know. Since then, we have won EVERY SINGLE BOUT. We have taken seven in a row and now we are facing the only team to have defeated us in 2012.

Losing this bout would be like going back in time and finding out that George Washington was an avid kitten hater who was secretly in a boy band.

And yes, I am aware that The Walking Dead season premiere is tonight, but that is why DVRs were invented!

Forget Aliens vs. Predator, Romney vs. Obama, the Lohan family vs. Sanity- NJ Hellrazors vs. Shore Points is the match up to see! This is your FINAL chance to see the Hellrazors in action until next spring.

You have been warned!